A bit about Bruges and trying not to be bourgeois

We got back from Bruges on Tues pm. It was both wonderful and quite hard as my ailments couldn't help to dominate. The home of chocolate and Belgium beer and basically I was having none of either! A combination of nausea, diarrhoea, back ache, lethargy, and swallowing problems/regurge are hard to play down.

The luxury of three completely free-from-kids days meant that Chris and I talked lots and crashed whenever we (ok - I, mainly) needed to. I think Chris would have put me on his shoulders and walked me around the beautiful city if I had been Asha's size, so we did the next best thing and tandemed it! Now there's a first! In my opinion, as a cyclist, you need to be in a VERY long term relationship to pull off that one! The person at the back has handles and pedals as you might expect, but just no ability to steer and no brakes... Utter trust and surrender to the person at the front, to keep you both alive!

We did feel slightly like everyone else we saw was a Brit, on the same Times Eurostar offer as we were, but just a tad older than us. Nothing mattered though because this trip wasn't really about travelling - it was about talking about the journey. Basically we did a fair bit of reminiscing. We couldnt help admitting how much of the detail of the last 5, 10, 15 years we had forgotten and how much of the detail of this last year - all the good things - were in one way or another, related to my diagnosis.


I know blogs aren't really the place for this sort of stuff, but I came away from Bruges overwelmed with how much gratitude I felt for Chris. The harsh truth of these last months is that I have often found energy for others and not for Chris. Positive and 'together' as I step out of the door and grumpy as hell, self-aborbed, lethargic and resentful at home. I wouldn't like to be living with me just now...

Which brings me to the next thing... From the moment I was diagnosed, people have suggested we think about a nanny or an au pair. Someone to help take the inevitable strain that the disease would put on us. Now for all that Hackney is inner city and deprived, it has its fair share of 'Hackney bourgeois'. You meet plenty of nannies down at the swings. I was definitely NOT going to go down that route. Chris and I were far too creative for that, we had our community and our church and anyway, au pairs were for people who worked, and we're hardly full-on working types and especially not now.


However it didn't take much of a nose-dive in my health, for Chris and I to find ourselves discussing the possibility of a 'live-in helper'. Now, the 'live-in' bit of course is no problem for us. David and Eden have moved out (apart from the times we persuade them to come back and stay!) and the house is big enough. It's not the idea that someone will take on our kids and become a very crucial person in their lives that I have a problem with - I had nannies until I was 10 (because that was the expatriate thing to do) and I adored them all I think.

Maybe one of my concerns is the 'employee' bit. I have never been good with builders or decorators and the cleaner relationship is all done through Chris. I can't imagine in my wildest dreams wanting to move into a family to look after two small, demanding children and negotiate a relationship with two adults exhibiting clear signs of stress! I struggle to imagine any enjoyment or job statisfaction in that, although I have been convinced by others that there are people out there who would genuinely relish that sort of a challenge!


The other thing I had to get my head around was that this person might not have to be instead of our church and community but that they would probably have to be willing to imagine becoming part of our thing here.

Might sound ridiculous, but if you know of someone that might be free for the next 6 months or so and might 'enjoy' helping us out, I know not to underestimate the power of this particular network. Not to mention the power of God to bring together people's needs and aspirations, linking together different lives in the most uncanny ways. I certainly think there is scope here for the old Creator to be a bit creative with our lives casualties and our co-dependency and vulnerability as humans.

We saw Sarah my Consultant on Thursday as a sort of re-run of the the previous week's consultation. Our discussion was conclusive! What's the point in feeling crap most days from cancer when you could be doing chemo, feeling a bit crap, but at least fighting the cancer! I told her that temperamentally I was probably much better on the offensive than on the defensive and that right now I just felt a bit 'got at' physically.

The chemo regime is a tough one - in every other Friday for a day's treatment (three drugs intravenously, only one of which my body handled before) for possibily as long as 6 months if its working.

I start this Friday (15th) and Sue's coming over from Amsterdam on Thursday. We agreed she's over to distract me as much as anything else. We well know though that the extra pair of hands around chemo is crucial, so I'll be lining up various friends and family to help us - for fortnightly visits !!

Nine old mates from Rectory Road Church turned up at one of our little Tuesday night prayers recently and I felt like the world was possible after the singing and the praying died away. Chris was in Cambridge so he missed out. If ayone's in Hackney this Tuesday (12th) at 9.30pm, it'd be great to do a bit of mountain manouvering!

Keep holding us, in whatever way you do that, your love and your reading is a powerful part of the healing for us in all this.

Thank you, as ever. Hope you like the pic's from our time in France