Uncertainty is the only certain thing

Sitting at mum and dad's computer recovering from chemo no6. When we started all this I was told 6 sessions, but at the last consultation Justin (Registar) suggested we might go for a further two if I was coping ok and if it was doing the business on the tumours! Won't know anything untill the CT scan on Mon 6Feb and the follow-up appointment on Mon 13Feb. The blood marker that we got so excited about before was up a bit again (45,000 down to 16,000 then 2,700 and 2,500 and now 3,250), not great huh, but then its just all part of the guessing game that is life at the moment.

It doesn't get me down but it does just niggle me most of the time. Especially in these periods of sleepy-post-chemo days. Get me back on normal energy levels and back to London and it all feels do-able.

The trip up North thanks to the guys up there, was brilliant. Whats more it was great for all of us. Lucy and Andrew's kids took our two on like fellow siblings. When Lucy bundled Chris and I off to the pub at 5.30pm with an instruction to be home for grown-up tea at 8pm and when Chris met Andy on the landing at 6.30am and was told 'don't worry Lucy's already got him and I'm just getting his bottle' - we really did consider moving in on a permanent basis!!

Highlights included the gathering on Friday morning of nearly 40 people who inspired me so much with their willingness to listen and be touched by our story. Thank you guys. The Deep (Hull's very impressive Aquarium) with the Lawrence cousins, a meal with the Adeneys in the new house, tea with Mark and Leanne and Sunday lunch with the old crowd from Swanland. Thank you, thank you!

Dont feel very profound today (bit too sleepy I think!). Chemo this time was much much better. I think it helped that Barts came up trumps this time, with big apologies for the 9hr wait last time and a bed quicker than ever and the staff as fab as before.

Asha is staying with Mark and co at Necton and I'm hoping like mad that she's being adorable-nearly-three and not hideous-nearly-three... she is needless to say, more than capable of both at the moment! Chris joins us from Cambridge on Mon morning having, I hope, had a break with a load of books in the library at Westminster.

Lunch and yet another nap beckons so I'll blog off now. Sorry nothing much humourous or profound this time. Still need you guys to keep reading and commenting and praying and willing us through this.

Just monday musings

I dont really do this often enough and now the pressure is there to try and fill in too much.. so I wont bother!!

A couple of things I said early on, now haunt me a bit. 'Chemo's a breeze!' and 'life just got better'. Chemo is still ok but i think accumatively it does get harder. This time was worse than the last. I've got one last dose to go (unless having got there they say two more, which is possible!). Its not that I'm sick loads (actually only once while still on the ward) and obviously there's no pain or discomfort. You just feel lousy, unbelievably sleepy and for me at least, emotionally very vulnerable. I went back home after this last one and there were two hot water bottles, flowers by my bed, a telly, a soppy dog and most importantly A MUM.

Thank you mum and dad for taking on Kirin so beautifully and for all the love and Norfolk peace. Asha and Chris joined us on day 3 and I was still pretty out of it.

We were there nearly a week and drove back Tues pm. Suddenly everything was going to be ok afterall. Its funny to admit but the craziest things can stress you out in the twilight zone of semi-sleep. Facing the decorations and taming clutter in the house seemed insumountable problems during my chemo week. We got back, the kids went down like a dream, David and Eden (our housemates) had de-rigged from Christmas, there were a few people doing Prayers round a candle (as happens every week) in the front room and pasta in the pot if we fancied it. I LOVE my life and as long as I keep telling myself the chemo is a temporary hurdle, it keeps coming good again after just a little while of it being bad each time. So... all is well.

In fact all is better than well, its very good at the moment. On Saturday Di, Kim and Kate (from Newcastle Polly days) trained in from their various parts to hang out for a very precious day. They brought with them enough food and memories and laughs to last us at least a week but we had to cram it all in to a day. When they tried to leave for their trains (to give me 'a lie down') I was having none of it! We ended up doing a mad dash into Harrods, supposedly for Di's crockery but really for a girlie laugh. Childcare arrangements and trains got changed and friendships (that mean more to me than ever) enjoyed going into 'extra time'.

Thanks women!

I went to Newcastle 20 years ago (shocking but true) but I moved to Yorkshire 27 years ago. On Wed Chris me and the kids are going up to stay with Lucy (my old rowing cox from Newcastle days) and family in Willerby. Aswell as getting to know my goddaughter Megan and hanging out with the Savages we intend to see family and pick up friendships from way back. I guess life from 11 to 18years is bound to be formative, but for me school, youth group, church, all that stuff back then, it feels like a gift. Lucy has been amazingly persistant and organised for us and so this trip now definitely happening. If you live anywhere near Hull you probably know about a Sunday lunch idea (drop-in at St Barnabas, Swanland for lunch Sunday 22nd Jan) or a friday morning coffee thing. If you need more info about where we are, please call Lucy on 01482 658974.

I've gone on a bit but the other thing I was going to blog, was about Chris. Right now he's taken the kids off all day to give me some space to think and sleep and read and blog and pray and 'tidy my head'. He knows me too well. He also won't let me go too long before he's helping me get the swim or the massage or the shopping trip that I might have mentioned in passing. I wish I was better at ensuring the partner of the patient was as cared for. This wretched disease threatens to tear our whole life apart and Chris remains determined and diligent to get the detail right, so that we won't look back and say we didnt look after us. We are hungry for unhurried time to talk and listen and learn from each other. We're desperate that our loving is more than coping but that somehow we savour all of what we love in each other. (tears are rolling now and maybe blogs aren't where you do this sort of stuff) I guess all I need to say is that whatever you've seen of me over the last few months has only been possible because of Chris' attention to the 'details of loving'. I SO couldn't do this without him.

Lucy has said she wants to take the kids on, for us to get some time together alone this coming week so let's hope I don't get even more soppy in future blogs - the whole thing could get out of hand and you'd all have to sit there slightly embarrassed!! (just made myself laugh)

Best go now and grab that nap before the house gets all noisy again.