We all have to die one day

Grandma died in the early hours of Tuesday morning. She was 90. Elspeth and Phil (my aunt and uncle) were with her. Elspeth said her breathing just got slower and slower until there just wasn't another one coming. (interestingly I found myself asking how it had been.)

Grandma and Grandpa (for those of you who dont know them) were and are remarkable people. Grandma was a woman of her time. Not at all gushy but deeply loving, not chatty but intensely interested in conversation. She was as sure of spiritual things as she was of her role alongside Grandpa and of what the proper thing to do might be. AND she made wonderful ginger shortbread.

Grandma and Grandpa were missionary doctors in Africa for forty years, they were invited to return to Rwanda in their 70's as sort of peace envoys. One of their key requests of the Residential Care Home where they are now, was a second phone line for their computer! They wrote a family letter every two weeks until very recently.

Grandma has been fading for a long time which, needless to say, has been incredibly painful for Grandpa. The family are now sighing a huge sigh of relief and gratitude for all that Grandma was.

We all need to die and Grandma's death was a peaceful end to an amazing life.

Talking of dying, I think my last blog freaked some of you out a bit. All that 'when I die' stuff. Has something shifted for me? What happened to all the fight talk? Don't I think I'm going to be healed anymore?

It's like this... I think...

There are two realities in my life. One is that I have incurable cancer and that I might die young and the other is that I feel fit and healthy right now and that I might just live on and on. Believe me when I say - both feel equally possible.

However, somehow I feel that I want to do the thinking and talking about the possibility of my death while I'm still well (and long may that last!). Let's face it, when you're ill you dont want to do the hard conversations - you just want to be ill. Just now while I've got my wits about me, I feel that I can plumb the depths a bit. It's not a scary place to go if you basically believe you're not heading there in a hurry...

Even more, I think we've realised that to ignore the possibility of death in our family, feels cruel on Chris. For him the key challenges lie beyond my life. If we shy away from ever mentioning this, he is the one who suffers most. Most of the time we talk about what we might eat, when we're going to strip the floor in the kids new bedroom or where to go on holiday next but just sometimes, he and I need us to venture into harder topics. And anyway he needs to be allowed to be the centre of attention sometimes!!

Right now, I'm sitting at Neil and Lynda's computer minding their little Milo (why can't my two let me quietly blog like this. Ok, getting this much down has taken me over four hours but hey, I'm used to that!).

Maybe there was a time when I thought I might never be able to do this sort of thing again for friends. That something had happened back in September that would mean we would only ever be at the receiving end of the favours. That maybe I was sick, seriously sick and maybe about to die. But that is clearly NOT the case!! I'm fighting fit.

At some point, hopefully not in the near future, I'll be facing more chemo and believe me - then you'll be hearing much more fight from me! I'll be calling all the prayerers into action and rallying every medic to my cause. So just for the record - I'm nowhere near ready to die!

Living space

What does one do when one is 'living with cancer'. One tidies of course!

Chris and I are moving into Asha and Kirin's bedroom with balcony door, beautiful Mexican hanging and great evening sunlight. It's quiet and lovely and VERY small. Asha and Kirin are moving into our huge room with ample space to play and invite half the neighbourhood's under fives to sleep-over! We of course describe what's happening as a 'stop and swop' moment in our family - because we're parents and parenting does that sort of thing to you!

What it's really doing is forcing us to look at a whole load of clutter and think about where to put it. For example how many towels does one family need - even if the family are open to lots of visitors? 6? 10? 25? How does it happen? You leave home and live out of a trunk (or at least your parent's boot capacity) for years and then bit by bit you accumulate STUFF...

Earlier this week I got a bit down. Possibly for longer than at any point before. Clearing out our bedroom (and other rooms too) has been incredibly helpful for me. It's practical and tangible and feels like a project. But needless to say it's all pretty fraught, emotionally. For a start, when I got sick a lot of people bought me things - Ive got more body lotions and bath soaks than you can imagine. With everything I handled there's a story, a person who loved me enough to bother.

How can you simplify your living space whilst not losing the gratitude and sense of abundance and indulgence that lots of STUFF brings you?

Then there's the obvious question that haunts me - when I die, what will Chris do with all the Ali stuff? I want to sort things for now, but also for Then.

Chris and I are sharing a journal during Lent. We get an an image of Jesus in the wilderness every day via email (thanks Si Smith wherever you are - they are an inspiration!) and then we write whatever we want everyday - nearly.

On day 3 of Lent, Chris wrote 'I'm running scared more than I admit. The 'longest journey' is that which takes me inward - and there are angers and passions, fears lurking there - they are not familiar to me, a dangerous life is an unreflected-upon life. ...'know thyself'.

Before my sister exclaims at my blogging Chris' heart on the worldwide web - I promise I did ask him first! Sorting stuff, giving away stuff, chosing fewer things to enjoy has helped me reflect on the 'outward me'. I've really only just started. It's fun and very time consuming. I need less chaos and more space to consider. Reflect. Reading what Chris wrote made me realise that I too need to work on the inner passions. I dont want to be de-railed by feelings that are lurking in the piles of unsorted stuff (so to speak) in my soul.

Kirin is ONE tomorrow so I need to go and wrap a pressie. This time last year I was just beginning labour in this very room, with friends cooking pizza out the back and Chris (little did he know it) was about to be the midwife for his own son! Amazing...

Eating chocolate in Lent

I suppose if I happened to say one day 'Tuesdays are for Chocolate' you'd all go 'yeah yeah' and it wouldnt have quite the same impact. (By the way, did you notice our birthday fell on a Wed, how useful was that!)

Anyway, I'm taking this challenge to put on weight very seriously and today I was accused of having a belly! Chocolate, cakes, sweets, children's leftovers it's all going down. We saw Justin our Registrar for our first 3 week check up on Friday. They weighed me once and then re-weighed me without my boots on because I'd put on so much! He decided that I looked so well that they'd get me back in for a check up in 7 weeks rather than 3!

I was delighted!

There was a time when I was a bit worried at the prospect of time out from the fight but in fact it feels great - a real gift. I was washing my face this morning (and checking the new hair do) and for a just a moment, I virtually forgot I was poorly. I do inevitably remind myself immediately, I can't help it. It feels wrong to pretend something so threatening isn't really that bad, but at least there are some moments when the illness isn't right in front of my nose.

Friday's appointment was also funny because I think Chris and I both went wanting a Do's and Dont's List for how to live through this next phase. Chris pointed out to Justin that chatting late into the night, skipping meals and being at the beck and call of two kids (he didn't mention running events at church and treking all round the country to see friends too) was probably not helping my recovery from the effects of chemo. Basically Justin plus the colleague medic sitting in on the consultation, said 'whatever she's doing seems to be working, let her be!' He said at one point 'if all our cancer patients had a handle on how to do it as well as Ali, we'd have it easy'

So I went home and had an afternoon nap, to prove to myself that Doctors aren't always right - I think I could actually use some more sleep! And anyway I was tired.

So, just to be clear, my blood test last time didn't indicate anything alarming (3,520 up from 3,250 at the time of the scan, and a long way off the scarey 45,000) . They were therefore confident enough that I don't need to see anyone till Easter time (Thurs 13th April to be precise). I did another blood test on Friday and will do one the week before I see them. That way we can build up a picture of cancer activity post chemo. Obviously we all know that things won't stand still, but what we dont know is, how long it'll take to get bad again. More chemo at some point is a certainty but this respite in the treatment is for now. That's good enough for me.

Better blog off to bed. 'Rest is my friend, rest is my friend...'